I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
