my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I am spending my child support on dildos
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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