just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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