I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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