FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I deserve this hangover.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
