ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Randomize
