Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
