I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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