Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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