I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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