she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
