Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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