Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
