my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
