So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
