i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
