I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Randomize
