i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
