My friends, they love my intelligence
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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