I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
