I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
