Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
