Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
