Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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