My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
