watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
