i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
worst night to have a conscience
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
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