The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
