Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
