Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
