she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize