i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
