"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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