Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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