if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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