My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Randomize
