i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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