I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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