I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Just high enough for therapy.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just forgot I was standing up.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
