Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
