I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
