check it out our google latitudes are spooning
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
