is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
