Hey man sorry I got all grabby
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
