I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
