Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
