just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
