to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
