Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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