Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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