I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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