I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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