so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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