I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
