Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
