My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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