Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
