Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
