I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
