my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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