I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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