you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
