Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
