Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
