the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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