So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
