when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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