Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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