I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
