No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
