I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
