he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
